My dad became unbearably lonely a year after my mum passed away, so he put an ad in a retirement magazine (this was the old days, folks) and received over a hundred replies – including one from Penny, in Norfolk. They spoke on the phone, got on like a house on fire, met up and instantly fell in love. They got married soon after and were just magically, blissfully happy until the day he died. I figured if it could work for dad, it could work for me too, so I joined Match and found things have changed a whole heap since dad’s day. The profiles I’ve encountered are … rather varied in quality and appeal. So I’m calling out to all you guys on Match – if you’re getting it absolutely right, then you can feel pretty smug, which is fine by me. But if you want to know how you could improve your profile, or would just like some insight into how women react to what’s usually written, then read on, and hopefully you, too, could end up like my dad.

Does this apply to you?

I should preface this by saying I’ve predominantly been looking at the 50 plus age group, although, obviously, I get to see a lot of profiles that are outside this range. Unfortunately, it seems to be you older gents that are struggling with this the most. A lot of you are doing a great job, have written some interesting profiles, provided pretty good selfies, and are clearly all-round nice guys. But the others. Hmmm. Let’s have a word. I realise that many of you are shy, or just unused to having to big yourselves up, or not exactly coping with the dating scene of today and it’s reliance on technology. But if any of the following list applies to you, then there is room for improvement, and I will tell you how.

The all-important profile pic

Where, oh where, do I start? First rule, and I really cannot stress this enough is, for the love of God, PUT YOUR FECKING SHIRT BACK ON! Even Harrison Ford, at 60, would look crap if he was half naked, a good six months away from the last time he saw the sun/a gym, and slumped in bed with bad lighting. Just don’t go there because, whatever you think, you ain’t got it going on. Plus, this is our first intro to you, this is the blind date moment at the start of it all – would you turn up scowling and shirtless for that? No. So have some manners and cover up. (A shirtless photo is acceptable as long as you are on a beach, but please stop making it the first one we see.)

Second rule is SMILE. If your pic looks as if it could possibly be a Police mug shot, ditch it. Ditto, if it could also pass muster as a passport photo. We women are primarily interested in your smile and your eyes (so dump the sunglasses, however cool you think you look – there’s a reason you can’t be easily identified when robbing a bank in them). Plus, I can’t begin to tell you how many pics look like someone is suffering from haemorrhoids, because the harsh truth is this: once we get past a certain age, our resting bitch face is just plain awful. Great if you want to audition as the new Victor Meldrew, dreadful if you ever want a shag. So work it, baby, work it, and give us a smile.

Camera angle – whatever you think, this is massively important. Any shot taken from an angle lower than your shoulders will result in what I call the Jabba the Hutt pose. Except Jabba was at least usually smiling, and your version too often favours a look of intense disapproval above all the chins (which is probably concentration, but due to the age thing … you get my drift). Don’t do this to yourselves. Raise the camera to eye level (or preferably above), in good light, and then smile and click. Try this more than once, and until you get one that looks like you, but your best you, ok? Or get someone who shoots great selfies of themselves to take a couple of you. I’m telling you this for your own good: middle-age England is apparently chock full of bald men in glasses that look incredibly bored with the whole thing. Do yourselves a favour and stand out.

And please try your best here, because we want to have an averagely good idea of what you look like (I’m sure you feel much the same). However, there are things that stop us doing so, which include, but are not limited to:

sunglasses, face masks (you can’t catch Covid from your camera), motorbike helmets and goggles, full skiing/diving gear, a body shot of you but you’re too far away for us to see you, you’re in deep shadow, we are looking at the back of your head, there is a wooden staircase between you and the camera (this is real, I swear), you are holding a large dandelion clock in front of your face (also real), hats, lots of hats, you’re in a group of people and we don’t know which one you are, your picture is sideways (makes you look like a dickhead that can’t work tech) or out of focus, we can only see your chin or the top of your head, you are in silhouette, you are wearing a costume with a wig/false nose/make-up, you appear to be a cooker with a pan on it (I’m not even joking).

The other photos

Right. These are mainly for us to see you from different angles (so we can tell if the main profile pic is just a lucky shot), and also to show some of your personality and interests. This should never be the same photo, five more times. This is where you can include that beach shot, where you are looking cool in your sunglasses, ok? But this is not where we want to see six different pics of your motorbike/dog/sunsets/inspirational quotes/you as a twenty year old (that ship has not only sailed, but sunk, so what’s the point?)/all the paintings you have ever done/every place you’ve visited/flowers. By all means include a few of these, but six sunsets out of eight photos is way too many. Besides, if you’ve already told us in your profile that you like biking, gardening, sailing or golf, we don’t need fourteen photos that prove it: we believe you, we really do. We just want to see if you look like a nice guy.

The written profile

Biggest problem here? Laziness. Or what comes across as laziness, in the form of a profile that says something like this: –

Normal guy likes the usual things. If you want to know more, just ask.

Fuck off. This is unacceptable. You know one of the main complaints women have about men? That they never get off their arses and help, but when questioned about it, maintain that all we had to do was ask. I repeat: fuck the fuck off. Women are sick of having to sodding ask. If you’re not willing to make an effort right at the beginning, then we don’t think you’re likely to have our backs once the gloss has worn off. It may be that you are uncomfortable with ‘showing off’, but it’s not how this comes across, and you are just shooting yourselves in the foot by writing this.

Another form of laziness is this one: –

‘If you are interested, then don’t just LIKE my profile, but send me a message.’

Moron. Lazy moron, in fact. If they’ve sent you a LIKE then that is the equivalent of them smiling across the pub at you, and throwing you a wink. It is an invitation. If you just stand there and do nothing, then the other guy is going to walk over and buy her the drink, and you’ll be Billy-no-mates. Say hello to her, you fool, and start a conversation: it’s what you’re paying money for. See above for reasons to make the effort.

Third type of lazy takes this form: –

‘I don’t like texting and would much rather meet for coffee.’

To which all I can say is coffee is not happening unless you give us a lot more to go on in your profile. And texting is just a thing now, so man up and deal with it. No woman is handing out her telephone number to someone she knows nothing about, on the strength of a photo of Jabba the Hutt. And she certainly isn’t about to meet up with someone if she hasn’t a clue whether or not they have anything in common. Some of the most interesting texts I’ve ever got have been from chaps with dyslexia, and if they can MAKE THE EFFORT, so can you. Plus, Covid, so get with the programme.

Last type of lazy is this: –

‘I would like to meet a woman who is …(and then a list, and absolutely nothing else).’

And it’s perfectly fine to tell us what you’re looking for, but you have to give us something about you as well. Because otherwise you are the equivalent of a TV ad that says, ‘I am a product: not going to tell you what I am, or do, or am for, but nonetheless I would like you to buy me’. Match is not Santa Claus or a 3D printer – you can’t just say ‘I want’ and expect it to just be provided. Gotta give us a reason to consider you. Preferably lots of reasons, so read on.

Things to avoid

Cliches. Oh boy, this is a biggie. Be very careful of saying things that sound good but don’t really tell us anything, cos you’ll just get lost in the mix. For instance, ‘I have my own hair and teeth’ is a particular favourite of the over 60’s, and I’ve genuinely no idea why. Because, so what you’ve got your own teeth and hair … now? You’re not getting any younger, so they’re inevitably gonna go anyway: it just makes it sound like you think we’re shallow, and only care about appearances.

What does it tell us, for instance, about whether you’ll be the first to apologise after an argument, or bring us a cup of tea in the morning, or rub our feet when we’re tired? What does it say about what you’re actually like to live with, or what you believe in, or what dreams you hold? Fuck all, that’s what.

Biggest cliche of all is this – ‘I have a good sense of humour’. Firstly, everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour, so this tells us nothing at all. It certainly doesn’t tell me if you’ll get my jokes, or whether I’ll get yours. If this is important to you, then include some humour in the way you write your profile, or reference something you find amusing instead. Because, ‘I have a really crap sense of humour,’ said no-one, ever.

And if someone could explain this one to me, I’d be forever grateful: –

‘I have old-fashioned values and know how to treat a lady.’

Seriously, what does this even mean? And how old-fashioned are we talking here – pre equality laws, for instance? The days of my dad’s childhood, perhaps, when women knew their place, and it was mostly in the kitchen? If you mean you’d never cheat on us, just say so. If it means you want to pay for everything (weird, but discussable), then say that too. Because, otherwise, I’ve genuinely no idea.

Sentences that cancel each other out. Sometimes whole profiles are made up of these, and my favourite goes something like this: –

‘I like eating out, but I also enjoy a meal at home, in front of the telly.’

Basically, this, too, says NOTHING. It says you like to eat, that’s literally all. See also, ‘I like going out for walks, but also staying in and cuddling up by the fire.’ Well, who the fuck doesn’t? So, once again, we have learnt diddly-squat.

Sweeping generalisations. I’d like to point out that women my age actually do way more than just go shopping and have their nails done, so please stop reassuring me that you’re ok with that (big of you, but also really annoyingly patronising). And we don’t all like chocolate. Or cake. Basically what I’m saying is, stop making it look like the only women you’ve ever encountered are the stereotypes on adverts. Not cool, dudes.

Names. Your name, or a variation on it is fine, and names that are linked to a particular passion or interest are also a good idea. However, names that describe particular male body parts are not. I can’t begin to describe how much my heart sank upon receiving an email that said, ‘You have a new match – Scrotum liked your photo’. Try, also, to avoid names that make you sound desperate (LastChance or OnTheShelf) or too bragging (FullPackage or LookNoFurther). Just plain unappealing.

Whingeing. Don’t whine about women: you run the risk of looking bitter, resentful and ungenerous. If you don’t like what they write in their profiles (too demanding, etc), just be the gent you keep telling us you are and don’t reply to them. Your profile is not the place for a litany of all the things we’ve got wrong, because it just won’t endear you to anyone. Write a blog about it instead.

Unrealistic expectations. If you’re 60, and not actually Colin Firth, but Chunky Alan, the carpet fitter from Cleethorpes, then don’t insist your lady is very, very attractive, weighs no more than 9 stone, and is in the 25-40 age bracket. It’s probably not going to happen. And too many women out there have had partners leave them for a younger model, so don’t advertise the fact that you might be ogling young girls when you’re out with us. Puts us right off.

Sexy talk. Oh please stop. Not appropriate at all before we’ve even spoken to you. Don’t need to know you’re turned on by erotica, red lips and high heels and need someone passionate: just makes you seem a sleaze bag. Can’t think of any woman that wants to be just an object to fulfil your fantasies. Well, some do, but they charge money for it (quite rightly). Save it for when you know us better. Think about if you’d be saying stuff like this when chatting to the checkout girl at the supermarket. Would you do it then? No. So quit it here. Wrong place, wrong time. (The exception, of course, is if you are particularly looking for a sexual partner, for ‘fun’, as they say, and not any kind of relationship. In which case spell it out, and good luck to you.)

And for a really great profile…

Biggest problem with profiles is that they are often too short, and don’t tell us anything we haven’t read a thousand times already. If you can, think about what you’re looking for and what you’re like, and then write it as if we are just chatting, so we get a sense of your personality. And endeavour to be specific, and elaborate on things: are you very, very interested in the theatre, for example? Then don’t just list it in your likes, but tell us how often you go, what your favourite show is, and how many times you’ve seen it. Stuff like that.

And tell us what you want, by all means, but also say what you’re offering in return. Are you the guy who never goes to bed on an argument, but is always ready to talk it through, perhaps? If ‘family is important’ to you (and by the way, everyone says this), then tell us what sort of things you do together, and how often you meet up, and are you the host? We don’t need much, but a few details of this sort will make you much more memorable.

A lot of guys are not keen on blowing their own trumpets (and looking like a big-headed prick in the process – can’t blame them). They tend to start sentences with, ‘My friend’s say I am…’ This is fine, but usually just precedes a list. Try expanding this approach a little with some examples. The best profile I ever read was written solely by one chap’s daughter: ‘My dad is kind and loving, and believes in putting others first. He’s always there for me and my friends, and the first person they all turn to when they’re in trouble. He’d drive 100 miles to pick us up if we needed it, and he makes us pancakes when we’re feeling down, etc., etc.’ You get the idea? This is real info. If you’re embarrassed about bigging yourself up, then consider getting some actual quotes (even if they say you’re a knob, because that at least gives us an idea of what your mates are like, which is always a bonus).

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So that’s all I’ve got for you, hope it helps. Put your shirt on, comb your hair, fix your photo, write an honest, unique, and personal profile, and then come and find me on Match.

And definitely do this, please, if you are, in fact, Colin Firth.

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